According to this study on reasons why couples divorce, over half of the couples stated too much arguing as the main reason for their divorce. So, is it possible to avoid unnecessary arguing?

Couples claimed that “communication problems increased in frequency and intensity throughout their marriages, which at times seemed to coincide with loss of feelings of positive connections and mutual support.” 

I’ve worked for 20+ years as a therapist and with countless couples. And, I have noticed something extremely eye-opening and life-changing. 

Here is it: When we don’t understand and work through whatever is triggering us in our current relationship and in our current circumstances, it will be repeated over and over again. Not just in our intimate relationships but also in other relationships in our lives.

Let me explain. 

Arguments stem from a disagreement. But, the main underlying reason is that something one person did triggered the other person. It could be completely unintentional. However, if the triggered person carries an internal story or belief around what the other person did, it can easily get blown out of proportion. 

For example, I had a client who hated the fact that her husband was messy. They argued about it often. The thing was, he wasn’t intentionally trying to hurt her. When we dug deeper into her own beliefs, we uncovered a belief that his messiness meant that he didn’t care about her.

You can see how this can trigger her anger and easily get blown into a huge argument, can you not?. He obviously doesn’t hold the same beliefs as her.

I’m giving out some practical pointers on improving communication and your relationship in my weekly podcast. And, last week I started a mini-series all about relationships! I’ve been hearing that the close proximity has resulted in many people feeling triggered more than usual. This tends to result in arguments like the one above. 

So how can we avoid unnecessary arguing?

It starts with taking the time to pause and recognize your own triggers. 

When you get triggered, just pause for a minute. Take some time before you react. Being triggered is an opportunity to understand what’s really going on. An opportunity to discover why you are triggered in the first place. 

When you take the time to pause, 3 things start to happen. 

#1 You start to uncover your beliefs and stories around the trigger. Reacting out of hurt or anger usually causes a fight, but if you take some time to pause, you may be able to uncover what’s really bothering you and avoid an argument altogether. 

#2 You start to clear the beliefs. Awareness is always the first step to healing and clearing. Once you start to recognize the stories and beliefs behind your triggers, you can start to clear the energetic imprints that they have left behind.

#3 You start to tap into your inner wisdom. Pausing gives you the time and mental space to tap into your inner knowing. In that moment of quiet, you can ask yourself what your intuition is telling you about this situation and how you should best respond.  

I’d love to have you join my 12-day Relationship Bootcamp coming up in June! It’s completely free, you just have to show up and be ready to do the work! If the group setting isn’t for you, then let’s talk about one-on-one coaching with you, to see if we’re a good fit.

All couples argue. Anger and frustration are human emotions. But a lot of unnecessary arguing can be avoided if we just pause for a moment and evaluate what’s really going on. It’s in the pauses that we discover more about ourselves than we ever thought possible.

Xo, 

Padma