In a time where couples have been spending more and more time quarantined together, I’ve noticed a trend happening. You may or may not have noticed that my recent podcast episodes have been all about relationships. Well, there’s a reason for that!
What I’m hearing is that people are feeling more disconnected, despite staying in the same house and spending even more time together. You might think it would make us closer but what I’m hearing is the exact opposite.
And it’s mostly women who are feeling this disconnect. It’s not necessarily their partner’s fault, but there does seem to be a common theme. As women, we have this deep programming to want to keep things afloat, to not cause issues or rock the boat.
According to Joseph Grenny, co-author of the New York Times bestseller Crucial Conversations, “The biggest mistake that couples make is avoidance. We feel something but say nothing. … We tend to avoid these conversations because we are conscious of the risks of speaking up, but unconscious of the risks of not speaking up.”
But, you can see how not speaking up can cause even more issues, can you not?
You see, most women simply don’t know what they want. They think they know what they want, and they go along and suddenly realize something is not right. But the biggest issue comes when women realize they want something new, but can’t express those needs. They’re afraid to speak up, afraid of disrupting the peace in the house.
So they keep quiet, they clam up and hold it in until it eventually boils over and explodes. And oftentimes, their partner has no idea what is bothering them.
So how can you express your needs in a way that your desires are being met and that your partner can hear it?
Give yourself permission to want what you want. Honestly tell yourself what you want and need in the relationship. Don’t hold it in until you blow up. When you do that, your words come out all jumbled and will be hard for you to explain, and it will be hard for your partner to understand what is going on.
Don’t put it on them out of the blue. Even if you’ve felt disconnected or uncertain for a while, they may or may not feel the same way. From their end, there may not be anything wrong. Springing it on them will cause confusion, worry, and other negative emotions. Instead, set the scene. Ask to speak to them about something important and do it at a time where you are both ready and open to the conversation.
I’ve been hearing from a lot of women that they are feeling disconnected from their partner, despite spending even more time with them than ever. And I believe that a lot of it stems from the fact that they are realizing what they want in their relationships, what’s working and what’s not working, and the issue is that they can’t communicate those needs effectively. Instead of holding it all in until you blow up, use these two tips that I shared so you can express your needs in a way that honors yourself and makes it easy for your partner to hear and understand you.
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